


mea culpa

by andtheny



Series: Five is a problem solver [9]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Bad Ending, Dysfunctional Family, Emotionally Repressed, Family Secrets, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Number Five | The Boy Has Issues, Number Five | The Boy-centric, POV Vanya Hargreeves, Paranoia, Psychological Trauma, Sad Ending, Stressed Number Five | The Boy, Suicidal Thoughts, Vanya Hargreeves Needs A Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-15 03:27:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29057457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andtheny/pseuds/andtheny
Summary: “When I told you the world was ending,” Five said. “You thought I’d lost my mind. This is the same thing. Your judgement has been clouded by your complacency.”“You spent so many years in crisis mode,” Vanya said. “It makes sense that you don’t know how to turn it off, but eventually you’ll have to accept that the crisis is over. You can relax now.”“Believe what you want,” Five said. “That’s a luxury I can’t afford.”___________________Or, Vanya and Five don't understand each other.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy & Vanya Hargreeves
Series: Five is a problem solver [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1977970
Comments: 31
Kudos: 66





	mea culpa

**_To kill Time_ ,** _an English phrase that still chills me: Time can be killed, but only by frivolous matters and purposeless activities. No one thinks of suicide as a courageous endeavor to kill Time._

_― Yiyun Li_

  
  


Therapy was something Vanya looked forward to. It was no longer frustrating or confusing. Now it was a place where Vanya and her therapist worked together to… well, to deal with her family. 

"I love Allison," Vanya said. "I really do. But I also hate her? Like, a lot." 

The therapist, Mrs. Duchemin, nodded sympathetically. 

_Nuff said,_ Klaus would have quipped. 

But Duchemin did not share the sentiment; "You have opposing conflict resolution methods." 

"Yes," Vanya said. "I know Allison means well, but she's so manipulative! That's not healthy, right?" 

"It's not healthy," Duchemin agreed. 

"I mean, _Amber Alert?_ Really?" Vanya said. "I can't believe she told them Five had been kidnapped." 

"They seem to have a lot in common."

"Who?" 

"Allison and Five." Duchemin raised her eyebrows. "Don't you think?" 

"What? No." 

Duchemin tilted her head and said nothing, so Vanya thought about it. 

"I mean," Vanya said. "they're both really stubborn. They both have a sort of 'the end justifies the means' mentality, is that what you mean?" 

"Yes," Duchemin said. "And they're both avoidant." 

"Allison's not avoidant." 

"She's not?" 

"She can be very in touch with her emotions," Vanya said. "You know she's been to counseling too? Though for her it was court ordered." 

"Because of the custody battle?'

"Yeah," Vanya said. "She's not going anymore, but I think the whole experience taught her what communication is _supposed_ to look like." 

"What is communication supposed to look like?" 

"You know, being honest and direct," Vanya said. "And she's been trying! Things were actually going really well between us before Five left." 

"Speaking of Five," Duchemin said. "How is he?" 

Vanya sighed. "He's Five. He won't listen to me." 

"I see," Duchemin said. "And how is Dolores?" 

Vanya frowned. "Uh, I don't know?" 

"He doesn't talk about her anymore?" 

"No," Vanya said. "Do you think that's a good thing?" 

"She's a benign personality," Duchemin said. "An angel on his shoulder, a voice for his conscience. If she were truly gone do you think he would absorb her opinions, or lose them?" 

Vanya squirmed in her seat. "I would prefer it if he kept them." 

"Why is that?" 

"Because she's the part of him that _knows_ he's messed up," Vanya said. "Like, she knows he's hurting himself and she tries to stop him. But maybe it’s useless? He just ignores her anyway." 

"I don't think he ignores her," Duchemin said. "He wouldn't share her thoughts with you if he did." 

"He _usually_ does, then." Vanya fiddled with the zipper on her jacket. "If he, what did you say? Absorbs her?" 

Duchemin nodded. 

"If he did that would he be better off? Would he take care of himself?" 

"I don't know," Duchemin said. "But at this point he's spent so many years disassociated it's unlikely their personalities would be able to merge." 

"Is that a bad thing?" 

"It's not a bad thing." Duchemin leaned forward. "Despite all this, I think Five has made remarkable progress." 

"Thanks to you," Vanya said. 

Duchemin shook her head. "Thanks to _you,_ Vanya. You're his rock." 

"I don't feel like his rock," Vanya said. "I feel like… like china." 

"But you've been remarkably level headed throughout this whole ordeal." 

"I've been careful," Vanya said. "Ever since I hurt Ben…" 

Duchemin nodded. 

"I've been careful," Vanya repeated. 

"And the concert?" Duchemin said. "Are rehearsals going more smoothly now?" 

"Yeah," Vanya said. "The meds helped, thanks." 

"Just be mindful," Duchemin said. "They're not a crutch. You're to use them only as needed." 

"I know," Vanya said. 

"And I hope you won't get into the habit," Duchemin said. "of medicating yourself before every performance." 

"I won't," Vanya said. "Don't worry." 

"Worry can’t be avoided.” Duchemin chuckled. “But you know what I like to say about feelings that can’t be avoided." 

"It's not about avoiding them," Vanya said, dutifully. “It’s about dealing with them in a healthy way.” 

"Yes, your actions must be measured." Duchemin smiled gently. "Don't _re-_ act. Act, but thoughtfully. Productively." 

Vanya smiled back. "I will." 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Klaus and Five were yelling at each other and Vanya wasn't reacting. She simply sat, and listened, and breathed. 

Breathing was important. Breathing was… it was important.

Vanya couldn't remember why, but she knew it was true. 

Breathing was important because Five wanted to induce amnesia on himself. He wanted to disappear.

Vanya breathed. 

"The future was never an option, you moron!" Five was finally back on the laptop. Vanya liked video chat better than phone calls. She liked being able to _see_ him, even if he was scowling. "I only said that to calm Diego down!" 

Vanya breathed. _It's important to process,_ Duchemin would say. _Don't react._

Wait a minute.

"Wh-what about the past?" Vanya said, tentatively. 

Five didn't hear her. He continued bickering with Klaus and a burst of anger struck her like a pistol whip to the head. 

It threatened to shatter her carefully constructed control, so Vanya took a deep breath and stood. She mumbled a hurried goodbye and shuffled out of the room. 

Out of the room, out of the house, hell she was tempted to leave New York all together. Instead she rushed towards her apartment. 

Her new meds. They were better than the old ones and half as strong, but they got the same job done. Vanya took a taxi to get home quicker and wished the meds were _with_ her. 

She should have carried them in her pocket. She needed them on standby, from now on. For emergencies. 

That was reasonable, right? 

Because she wasn't stable. She wasn't calm, she wasn't _breathing._

"Whoa," the taxi driver said. "Little earthquake. Did ya feel it back there?" 

Vanya closed her eyes. _Breathe, dammit!_

The taxi driver gave up talking to her when he received no answer. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ben and the younger Five wanted to have a sleepover. 

It was fine. It was good. By the time they showed up at her apartment, Vanya was calm. 

The meds helped. 

"You okay?" It was obvious that Ben had been crying, but he still showed concern for _her,_ despite his own distress. "You didn't say much during the meeting." 

"Neither did you," Vanya said. 

Ben chuckled. "They made it kind of hard to get a word in." 

"Idiots," Five said. "Both of them." 

Vanya blinked at him. "Are you including the other Five in that?" 

"Of course I am." Five rubbed at his temples. "He's irrational. His plan is stupid." 

"You think so too?!" Ben said. "Do you want to tell him? Maybe if it came from you-"

"I'm the last person he would listen to," Five said. "Anything I say gets dismissed as naiveté." 

Vanya sighed. "He does the same thing to me." 

Ben stared at her, baffled. "Huh? But you're an adult." 

"I'm also half his age," Vanya said. "So he doesn't really respect my ideas." 

_"I_ respect your ideas," Five said, looking offended on her behalf.

His concern was so endearing, it made Vanya want to cry. Or hug him. Or both. Instead, she smiled at him. It was the best she could manage. "I know, Five. Don't worry." 

"Me too," Ben said. "Not just because you're older than me, by the way." 

"Thank you," Vanya murmured.

"So what do you think we should do?" Ben said. 

She knew what Ben was asking, but pretended that she didn't. "We should make s'mores," Vanya said. "And hot chocolate." 

Ben didn’t try to hide his disappointment. "Oh," he said. "Um…" 

"Great idea," Five said, quickly. "Nothing gets the brain pumping like a sugar rush." 

Vanya shook her head. "I won't scheme with you." 

Ben pouted at her, playing up his childishness. "But Vanyaaaaa." 

Normally it was cute when Ben did this. 

But not today. 

"You can call Allison if that's what you want," Vanya said. "I won't do it."

"You say 'scheme' like it's a dirty word," Five said. 

"Guys, listen to me for a sec." Vanya tried to think of a way to phrase her argument without sounding like a therapist. "I know it looks like Allison did the right thing. When she Rumored the older Five she gave us what we all wanted. She got Five back." 

Ben winced. "It was messy. Luther said… but Five is okay now." 

Vanya squinted at him, but didn't ask. Instead she made a mental note to bring it up with Luther later. 

"I don't think he's okay," Vanya said. 

"He's a lunatic," Five said. 

"No, he's not!" Ben said. "He's just stressed!" 

"He's cuckoo bananas," Five insisted. 

"No, he just-"

"Guys," Vanya said. "Can we forget about it for a little while? Can we watch a cute movie, eat a ridiculous amount of chocolate, and pretend… and comfort each other?" 

Five frowned. 

"I love cute movies," Ben said, hesitantly. "But-" 

"I'll do it," Five said. 

Five said it with the air of someone who had just resolutely agreed to march on the front lines for queen and country. 

Vanya chuckled. "You don't have to." 

"No," Five said. "I want to." 

She raised an eyebrow. 

"Fine, I want to do it for _you,"_ Five said, shrugging. "To comfort you or whatever." 

"Aaaaw," Ben said. "Will you comfort me too?" 

"Yes," Five said. 

Ben threw his arms around Five. "You're gonna make me cry again!" 

Five reacted to the sudden hug with bewilderment, eyes widening, but he patted Ben on the back and looked at Vanya, as if for further instructions. 

For her part, Vanya felt like she was watching from underwater. She could see what was happening… but she couldn't react. 

Ben was _crying._

How was he crying? He had been playfully pouting just a second ago. 

Slowly, too slowly, Vanya put her arms around both of them. It was the most awkward group hug she'd ever participated in, but Ben needed it. 

Eventually they got Ben bundled into a comfy blanket, sandwiched between them on the couch. He happily ate his s'mores and they watched _Inside Out._

The movie led to more crying from Ben, but Vanya decided this was good for him. It was healthy.

Throughout it all, Five allowed himself to be manhandled. He returned every hug he was given and seemed at ease with it. 

The other Five was different. Did that one like hugs? Did he hate them? Vanya couldn't tell. It seemed like an obligation that he tolerated. Especially since he had a limit. 

Hold on for too long and Five would dissolve. He would teleport to the side, just out of reach, and Vanya would cave in on herself; empty arms still grasping at air. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"I can't go to the past either," Five said. "It's too delicate." 

She was arguing with him on the phone again. 

"It can't be _that_ delicate," she said. 

"It is," Five said. "In any case, what would be the point? I'd be alone." 

"I'd go with you," Vanya said. "Klaus would too and we could-" 

"No, Vanya." 

"But-" 

"You won't change my mind," Five said. "Is this all you called to say? I'm tired of arguing." 

"Are you going to hang up?" 

"Can I?" 

"Since when do you need permission?" 

Five didn't respond. She checked her phone: the call was still going. 

"Hello?" She said. 

"I don't want to hang up," Five said. "Can we talk about something else?" 

"I don't understand you," Vanya said. "Do you _want_ to forget everything? Are you looking forward to it?" 

"Didn't you like it?" Five said. "You seemed happier, that time." 

Vanya blinked. He meant her time on Sissy's farm. "I wasn't happier." 

"You were more confident," Five said. "You were unburdened."

"I wasn't confident!" 

She had been Confusion Incarnate. Lost, without an identity, and in a state of limbo as she waited for a potential family to claim her. To _want_ her.

At the time, every passing day felt like confirmation of her worst fear: that no one cared about her. 

_That's why you latched onto a surrogate family,_ Duchemin had said. _Sissy and Harlan needed you, and you needed to be needed._

"Either way," Five said. "It's not about what I want." 

"Then what _is_ it about?" 

"We've been over this." 

"Don't tell me it's about the fabric of reality," Vanya said. "Or the stability of the timeline, or the Commission, or any of that nonsense!" 

"It's not nonsense-"

"I've been talking to the younger Five," Vanya said. "He says you're wrong." 

"He's young," Five said, dismissively. 

She sighed, abandoning the argument. "Fine, what about Dolores?" 

"What about her?" 

"What does _she_ think?" 

Once again, Five was silent. 

_"Five."_

"I'll tell you what she thinks," Five said. "But I want to preface this by saying that she is wrong." 

Vanya straightened, heart racing. "What is she wrong about?" 

"She says… she thinks I overreacted," Five said. "When I saw my doppelganger." 

"Oh yeah?" 

"That day was a good day," Five said. "I was on my way home from the library… and then I saw him. Just nonchalantly walking up the sidewalk in the _wrong direction._ He was walking _away_ from the Academy with all the bluster and confidence of a child that wants you to think he knows what he's doing." 

"It sounds like you were triggered." 

"I was what?" 

"You were reminded of a bad memory." 

"Oh," Five said. “Yes, I suppose that’s accurate. A bad memory indeed.”

"Do you have a moment in mind?" Vanya said. 

Silence. 

She gently prodded him. "Does he remind you of the Apocalypse?" 

"No," Five said. "Of something worse." 

"What could be worse?" 

When he fell silent this time, Vanya decided to wait patiently. She was confident, for the first time in a while, that he would not hang up on her. 

"He reminds me of a nightmare," Five finally said.

"Will you describe it for me?" 

"The nightmare?" 

"Yes," Vanya said. "Is it a recurring nightmare?" 

"Yes." 

"What happens in the nightmare?" 

"I kill him," Five said. "I kill my doppelganger. Then I murder _you._ In cold blood. Everybody else too. Our whole family." 

As Mrs. Duchemin would say: There was a lot to unpack there. Vanya didn't know where to start. 

"But Dolores is wrong," Five said. "I didn't overreact. I did the sensible thing." 

"Um, you fled New York in a panic," Vanya said. "Without a phone or a wallet or anything." 

"I did the sensible thing," Five insisted. "I just botched the execution." 

"Sure," Vanya said. "But-"

"Listen," Five said. "have you read Mainländer?" 

"Mainländer?" Vanya said. "Was it part of Dad's curriculum?" 

"It wasn’t," Five said. "The old man had nothing but disdain for the pessimistic philosophers." 

Whenever Five said things like this it felt like taking a peek at an alternate dimension. One where Five and Dad sat over coffee in front of a fireplace to argue metaphysics. 

"I don't think much of Mainländer either," Five said. "After all, the man was only thirty four when he… but I'm getting off topic." 

"I haven't read Mainländer," Vanya said. "What do I need to know about him?" 

She could tell Five was trying to work his way up to a metaphor. 

"Mainländer believed the entire universe, from the planets to the stars to the meat on our bones, was made of God." 

Vanya tried to wrap her head around such a bizarre idea. "Like, God is a hive mind?" 

It sounded like the plot of one of Ben's sci-fi novels. 

"No, he's not sentient," Five said. "Not anymore, at least." 

"I don't understand." 

"Mainländer died before the official discovery of the Big Bang," Five said. "He wouldn't have known about the Singularity, or the expansion of the universe, or entropy, but his ideas fit well with those things." 

"His ideas about _God?"_

"It's not really God," Five said. "Mainländer was an atheist. Or so he claimed, anyway." 

"So he thinks the universe is God," Vanya said. "But not the Christian God." 

"Exactly," Five said. "And the way he tells it… well, it's poetic. Like one of those ancient creation myths." 

"How does he tell it?" 

"So the idea is: before the Big Bang there was nothing," Five said. "Except there _was_ something. A dense pocket of gravity. Scientists call it the Singularity." 

She knew that much. "Right." 

"Mainländer would consider the Singularity to be God," Five said. "And the reason the Big Bang was triggered is that God wanted to die." 

"Why would he want to die?" 

"Because existence is suffering," Five said. "All the pessimistic philosophers are firm on that belief. I think they're overdramatic, but that's not the point of the story." 

Vanya knew she wasn't going to like the point that Five was leading her toward, but she prompted him to continue anyway. 

"So God wanted to die," Five said. "But he couldn't just snuff himself out. It's against his nature." 

"Okay…" 

"So instead he decided to… to disassemble himself, if you will." 

"Isn't that the same thing?" 

"What?" 

"Disassembly," Vanya said. "It sounds tidy when you say it like that, but isn't it the same as killing himself?" 

"No," Five said. "It's not the same." 

"It _is."_

"Anyway, entropy is like God's desire for-"

"Stop it," Vanya said. "I'm hanging up." 

"You are?" 

"I am." 

"I've upset you." 

"You have." 

"That wasn't my intention." 

"You always have good intentions," Vanya said. "But intentions don't matter. It's about what you _do._ It affects me, Five. You make all these decisions by yourself, but the results affect _all_ of us."

"I'm sorry," Five said. "I can… what should I do?" 

"Call Allison off," Vanya said. 

"I can't do that." 

"Yes, you can." 

Five didn't say anything. 

Neither did Vanya. 

The silence stretched out for a painful minute. Or a painful hour. It was hard to tell. 

Finally, Five said, "I thought you were hanging up?" 

"Do you want me to?" 

"If you insist on arguing the same point ad infinitum, then yes." 

"Alright," Vanya said. "Goodbye." 

"Goodbye, Vanya." 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Allison came up with a story to fool the government into believing Vanya was Five's biological mother and that both of the Five's were twin brothers. 

"Don't you ever get tired?" Vanya said. "Of making up stories?" 

"Don't _you_ get tired of riding your high horse?" Allison snapped. 

Vanya sighed. 

"I'm sorry," Allison quickly added. "I shouldn't lash out at you." 

"It's okay," Vanya said. 

The laptop was propped up on a pillow. On screen, Allison looked contrite. 

"I think I get defensive because I feel guilty," Allison said. "I know this is wrong, okay? I know that. I even told myself I was done with the Rumors, but…" 

"I know," Vanya said. "I'm sorry." 

Allison fiddled with a strand of hair. "I'm as bad as Klaus, aren't I? I keep falling off the wagon." 

"It's not the same thing," Vanya said. "Look, I'll sign whatever you need me to sign. You're probably right. We need to get custody, but the situation is too unusual to explain to child services." 

"I'll stop once they're safe," Allison said. "I won't use my Rumors. Never again." 

"You don't have to," Vanya said. "Your power is a part of you. I shouldn't shame you for using it." 

"But it's dangerous," Allison said. "I'm better off quitting cold turkey." 

Vanya shook her head. "You could say the same thing about me. Should _I_ quit cold turkey? Stay on meds twenty four seven?" 

Allison winced. "Of course not." 

"We just have to be careful how we use our…. our gifts," Vanya said. "This whole delayed birth registration thing? It's a really good idea. I'm sorry for… I shouldn't have said what I said. About making up stories." 

"It was passive aggressive," Allison said. 

"I know," Vanya said. "I'm sorry.' 

Allison sighed. "Please stop apologizing." 

"Okay," Vanya said. "So, I think I'm kind of … I'm feeling a little… I'm still bitter." 

"About the amnesia thing."

"Yes! How could you agree to that?" 

"I don't like it either," Allison said. “At first I was just playing along. I wasn’t actually going to do it, but I said I would to buy some time. I wanted to make sure Five didn’t disappear on me again.” 

"But now you _are_ going to do it?" Vanya said. “Or are you still playing along?” 

Allison started to lean forward, but then thought better of it. She straightened and clasped her hands together. 

"Look…" 

"You don't really believe the fate of the world is at stake!" Vanya realized she was on the verge of yelling. She lowered her voice. "I'm not even sure if _Five_ believes that." 

"It's hard to tell," Allison said. "He’s a habitual liar." 

"Yeah, he is!" Vanya said. "Like that thing where he said the Commission wanted to take him to the future? But then he was all, 'Psych! I made that up!' What the hell?" 

"He said he wanted us to have hope," Allison said. "In case the Commission assassinated him. He liked the idea of us assuming he was safe in the future." 

"Which is _horrible,"_ Vanya said. "Wouldn't you rather know he was dead if he was dead? Instead of waiting and wondering why he never showed up again?" 

"I would rather know, yeah," Allison said. "But listen, Luther made a good point about the whole thing."

"What point?" 

"He said it doesn't matter if Five is wrong," Allison said. "I mean, obviously it matters because assassins and paradoxes and all that. But even if the Commission _isn't_ out to get him and even if the two Fives _aren't_ in danger of murdering each other… like, he said there's no harm in giving Five what he wants anyway.” 

"No harm?" Vanya echoed. _"No harm?"_

“Okay, not that there’s no harm,” Allison said. “But he thinks it would be good for Five.” 

Allison was looking at something off screen. Was she being avoidant? Or was there someone in the room with her? 

_"What?"_

"Just hear me out," Allison said, looking into the camera again. "Luther told me some things. Stuff that I didn't know about Five." 

"Like what?" 

"He told me about Dolores," Allison said. "Do you know who that is?" 

Vanya straightened. "He's not crazy." 

Allison frowned. "So you _did_ know." 

"Yeah, but my therapist says-" 

"Goddammit,” Allison said. "Listen, I love you, but if you quote your therapist at me _one more time_ I'm going to reach through this laptop and strangle you!" 

"It's called Dissociative Disorder." Vanya spoke quickly, desperate to explain. "It's caused by trauma, but he's not crazy!" 

"Dissa what?" Allison said. "Look, I googled hallucinations and… I read some stuff about schizophrenia-"

"He's not schizophrenic," Vanya said. “Or… he might be, but my therapist thinks-”

“Has your therapist _met_ him?” 

“No, but I’ve told her about him,” Vanya said. “And about Dolores, so she has theories. I tried to get him to schedule an appointment with her, but he wouldn’t do it. Still, I think he might come around eventually. He’s gotten a lot better at communicating, so… what?”

Allison tried to put on a poker face, but it was too late. Vanya had caught a glimpse of her lip curling in disbelief.

“What was that look for?” Vanya said. 

“Nothing,” Allison said. “It’s just… Five. Communicating. It’s like finding a unicorn at the zoo.” 

“I’m serious!” Vanya said. “You haven’t noticed because you haven’t been around, but Five is a lot better at it than he used to be.” 

Allison glared at her. “Haven’t been around? We’re going there now?” 

Vanya winced. “I’m not accusing you of anything. It’s not your fault you live in California.”

“You’re always accusing me of something,” Allison said. 

“I’m sorry it sounds that way. That’s not what I…” Vanya glanced down at her phone, which was vibrating, and almost clicked on the Ignore button before she saw the name on the caller ID. 

She gasped. “Five is calling me.” 

Allison’s eyes widened. “What? He never calls anyone.” 

“I know, but he is!” Vanya glanced from the laptop to the phone uncertainly. “Where is he?” 

“He’s been holed up in Claire’s room,” Allison said. “Hey, will you let me eavesdrop?” 

Vanya frowned. “That’s kind of-” 

“Please?” Allison said. “If Five is communicating, he isn’t doing it with _me._ And don’t you want me to have all the facts straight before I Rumor him? I’ll change my mind about it if… if it seems like a bad call.” 

That was all the incentive Vanya needed. She nodded tersly and answered her phone, putting it on speaker. 

“Hey,” Vanya said. “Are you okay?” 

“I’d like to apologize,” Five said. 

Vanya blinked. “Oh, um, thank you.” 

On the laptop Allison was frantically pantomiming something, but Vanya had no idea what she was trying to say. 

“I also want to make it clear that I am _not_ suicidal,” Five said. “I know I’ve become something of a… a point of discussion, in the family. The problem child, if you will. I understand why and I’m not mad, but when it was brought to my attention that I’ve been misinterpreted… I had to set the record straight.” 

Vanya watched Allison stand up, drifting out of frame. 

“Who said you were suicidal?” Vanya said. 

“That’s irrelevant,” Five said. “My point is, I’m not.” 

Allison came back, wearing headphones. She also held up a notepad that said, _Turn Off Speaker._

Vanya did so and moved her phone to her ear. 

“Did you hear me?” Five said. 

“I did,” Vanya said. “Sorry. Um, I’m glad you feel that way. I mean, I’m glad you _don’t_ feel… that way.” 

But reassurances from Five always had the opposite effect. After their last conversation Vanya had googled Philipp Mainländer. The search had revealed a morbid fact: the man had killed himself. 

The more she read about Mainländer’s beliefs, the more depressing it got. He wasn’t just a pessimistic philosopher; he thought non-existence was better than existence and that the will to live, or the pursuit of happiness, was the root of all suffering. 

“That’s all I wanted to say,” Five said. “You can go back to whatever you were doing.”

Allison had been writing something else down on her notepad. Now she held it up and it said, _Gonna Move, His Door._

“I’d rather talk to you, actually,” Vanya said. “Is that okay?” 

“Alright,” Five said. “That’s fine.” 

Vanya watched Allison’s laptop camera blur through a haze of furniture and home decor as Allison moved through her apartment. 

“I want to visit you,” Vanya said. “I know I have to file the paperwork stuff for you and the other Five, but when I’m done with that I’m going over there.” 

Allison’s face came back into view, though the angle was awkward. She was really close to the camera now. 

“I’d like that,” Five said. “But if Ben asks to come with you, you must be firm. Tell him he can’t.” 

“Why can’t he?” Vanya said. 

“He’s not like you,” Five said. “His power is unwieldy. I don’t trust him in a fight.” 

Vanya sighed. “You’re really living on a knife’s edge, aren’t you? You really think you’ll be attacked at any second.” 

“It’s likely,” Five said. “I’m not being irrational.” 

Allison was making adjustments with her laptop, trying to find a good place to put it. It made the camera blur out again. 

“But what if you _are_ being irrational?” 

“I _wish_ this was nothing more than paranoia,” Five said. “It’s a nice thought, in fact! But the reality is-”

“Five,” Vanya spoke gently, wanting to soften the blow of what she was about to say. “You’ve said yourself that reality is about perception. And we both know your perception has its flaws.” 

“I understand where you're coming from,” Five said. “But my perception is fine.” 

“But-”

“When I told you the world was ending,” Five said. “you thought I’d lost my mind. This is the same thing. Your judgement has been clouded by your complacency.” 

On the laptop, she could see Allison wince. Tired of the distraction, Vanya decided to turn the screen around. Allison would still be able to hear. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t believe you back then,” Vanya said. “But we stopped the Apocalypse. It’s over now.” 

“You don’t _know_ that.” 

“You spent so many years in crisis mode,” Vanya said. “It makes sense that you don’t know how to turn it off, but eventually you’ll have to accept that the crisis is over. You can relax now.” 

“Believe what you want,” Five said. “That’s a luxury I can’t afford.” 

“What about Dolores?” 

“What about her?” 

Vanya knew she was grasping at straws now, but she had to try. “She’s against your plan, isn’t she?” 

“I know what you’re doing,” Five said. “You’re trying to gang up on me.” 

“I just want to know what she thinks.” 

“It doesn’t matter,” Five said. “You won’t change my mind. Either of you.” 

“Don’t you see?” Vanya said. “Dolores is proof that you… she’s evidence of your own uncertainty.” 

“How do you figure?” 

“It’s like that saying,” Vanya said. “That phrase… when you say, ‘I’m of two minds on the issue’ it means you’re split down the middle. You agree and disagree. You’re not confident.” 

“Don’t conflate her thoughts with mine,” Five said. “She’s her own person.” 

“Yeah, but-” 

“She’s sentimental,” Five said. “She’s not willing to look at the big picture.” 

“Maybe you’re the one who isn’t willing to look at the _small_ picture.” 

“That doesn’t even make sense.” 

Vanya sighed. “I know.” 

Silence. Vanya bit her lip. 

_I failed,_ she thought. _He's gone._

But Five hadn't hung up yet. 

"Anyway, it's simple," Five said. "I learned from my mistakes. I've underestimated the Commission before and you know where that got me?" 

"But-" 

"Klaus was _tortured,"_ Five said. "And Diego's girlfriend was killed." 

"But you saved her!" 

"The point still stands," Five said. "They're unpredictable. I can't let my guard down." 

"You can't just… you can't stay in this state of hypervigilance for the rest of your life!" 

"I can and I will." 

"I hate it when you say that," Vanya sighed. 

“I’ll still be the same person,” Five said. “Why is that so hard for you all to understand? It’s not like I’ll be gone.” 

“Allison thinks this is better than you leaving again,” Vanya said. “But I’d rather let you travel around the world like an angsty cowboy than watch you erase yourself.”

“An angsty cowboy, huh?” Five said. “That’s a new one.” 

“Sorry,” Vanya said. “It’s stupid, but I used to associate you with old cowboy movies. You know, when I was a kid.” 

“Care to elaborate?” 

“It was the whole lone wolf thing,” Vanya said. “The cowboy would travel from town to town and save the day, but if anyone asked him to stay he wouldn’t. It looked like he _wanted_ to stay, but he thought he couldn’t because… I don’t know. There was always some vague reason.” 

“An angsty reason,” Five said, sardonically. 

“Yes.” 

“Hmm,” Five said. “Death is better than leaving.” 

“What?” 

“I suppose suicide doesn’t count,” Five said. “That’s a choice too, isn’t it?” 

“What are you talking about?” 

“Nothing,” Five said. “Ignore me.” 

“I thought you said you _weren’t_ suicidal?”

“I’m not,” Five said. “I was just thinking out loud.” 

“About suicide.” 

“No.” 

“You _said-”_

“I was just thinking about something Ben said to me,” Five said. “He said losing someone to death was better than being abandoned.”

“Ben wouldn’t say something like that,” Vanya said. 

“His phrasing was different,” Five said. “Dolores says I’ve twisted his meaning.” 

“What does she think he meant?” 

“Nevermind,” Five said. “I have to go.” 

“Wait!” Vanya said. “Can I ask one more thing?” 

“What is it?” 

“Do you hate your memories?” 

“That’s immaterial.” 

“Do you still have nightmares?” Vanya said. “You said existence is suffering. Are you… are you suffering?”

"I said no such thing." 

"But you said that stuff about God-"

 _"Mainländer_ thought existence is suffering," Five said. "Don't put his words in my mouth." 

"But _you_ said-"

"Hold on," Five said. "Just… pause." 

Vanya blinked. 

"Let me think," Five said. "Give me a minute." 

"Are you okay?" 

"Let me _think,_ I said!" 

Vanya swallowed. "Okay," she whispered. 

So she waited, gnawing at the skin on her lip, biting into it until she could taste the blood and hear the pounding of her pulse.

"I'm Sisyphus," Five said. "I used to think I was Icarus. Except, I thought I would succeed where he had failed. I thought I was exceptional." 

"Five…" 

"You asked me if I'm suffering," Five said. "The answer is no. But even if that were not the case… that’s not why I’m doing this."

“I just want to know why,” Vanya said. "I want to know what your real feelings are."

“My feelings are irrelevant,” Five said. “Why is that so hard for you to understand?” 

“You’re not a robot,” Vanya said. “You like to think you’re making choices based on logic and probability theory, but you’re _reacting._ You’re afraid and you’re not dealing with it in a healthy way.” 

“Yes, yes,” Five said. “Everything I do is unhealthy. We’ve been over this.” 

“No,” Vanya said. “Not everything. You’ve done a lot of healthy things these past few months.” 

“Sure,” Five said. 

“You helped Klaus get sober.”

“I failed to _keep_ Klaus sober.” 

“You fixed Dad’s healing serum.” 

“Because I wanted to fix Luther's body,” Five snapped. “I failed to do that, too.” 

This was new information, but Vanya decided she would process it later. She plowed on, “You helped Mom! You gave her freedoms that she never had before.” 

“Diego thinks-” 

_“You saved Ben.”_ Vanya could hear that familiar ringing in her ears, but she ignored it. "You saved _me,_ and you helped me learn control-"

“I saved you in the worst possible way!” Five shouted. “Ben too… I… I botched the job.” 

“How did you botch the job?” 

“Ben is out of place,” Five said. “He’s in the wrong time.” 

“He’s alive!” 

“Alive, sure,” Five said, bitterly. “But that’s not enough.” 

“Why isn’t it enough?” 

“I can’t even begin to explain,” Five said. “I’m hanging up.” 

“Please, don’t hang up,” Vanya said. “Please… Five?” 

He was gone. Vanya sighed. 

When Allison spoke, Vanya nearly jumped out of her skin. She’d forgotten Allison was listening. 

“I didn’t know he was doing all that.” Allison sounded congested. “I didn’t know.” 

Vanya turned the laptop back around and saw that Allison was crying. 

“Five!” Allison shouted. “Get out here!” 

“Wait,” Vanya said. “Don’t-”

“I know you can hear me!” Allison said. “Don’t ignore me!” 

In a panic, Vanya slammed her laptop shut. Her heart was racing, her ears were ringing, and when she tried to stand her legs nearly buckled beneath her. 

She was _shaking._ Why was she shaking? 

_This is an emergency,_ Vanya decided. _This counts as an emergency._

She found her pills and dry swallowed two of them. 

_I’m okay,_ Vanya thought. _Everything will be okay._

But she didn’t really believe that.


End file.
